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President Obama Announces the “White House Council on the Welfare of White Folks”

Written by Porky on 16 March 2009

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President Obama today announced the formation of a government body to look into the many inequalities plaguing the white race. According to the president, the aim of the council is to “establish a coordinated Federal response to issues that particularly impact the lives of white people and to ensure that Federal programs and policies address and take into account the distinctive concerns of white people …”

During a rousing speech, which was attended by prominent melanin-challenged activists like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, President Obama declared…

“Those poor crackers! They outlive black folks by only 5 years, and one in four crackers will be the victim of violence during their lifetime, of course so will 1 in 3 black folks but that is neither here nor there. White people across the land are forced to eat at fancy restaurants, while black folks experience the luxury of dining on collard greens and cholesterol-laden fried chicken. This situation is intolerable. We must help the white folks. White folks receive sentences far smaller for the same crime, yet the difference is too small. Two years, three years, this is not enough. My fellow Americans we must work towards a society where white folks get no more than six months for even the worst offenses, only then can we be said to have fulfilled the promise of this nation’s founders. We know that crackers greatly outnumber black folks in our Universities, being twice as likely to go to College as blacks, but this is because black folks just aren’t that smart or hardworking, so we must work to increase the numbers of white folks getting into College. I propose that if you cant name at least four brands of mayonnaise you shouldn’t even be allowed to apply to College! All this and more we must do to lift the white race out of its current status as first class citizens, only then will America be able to hold its head up high on the world stage, knowing that we do everything we can to help the most privileged amongst us. And remember, as I tell my daughters every night as I tuck them in “Crackers rule, and black folks, well black folks just don’t matter!” Thank you and may God bless the United States of America – especially the white ones.”

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President Obama, seen here in his early days as a community organizer for underprivileged white youth.

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